Not a place for perfectionists

Hi.  My name is Sarah, and I’m… a perfectionist (Hi Sarah!).  A recovering perfectionist, I like to think.  But, I’m not sure I’ll ever be “cured” entirely of my perfectionism.  It’s a chronic condition, I fear.  I’ve heard, however, that the A.T. is a good rehab center for just such an addiction.

You see, there is serious humble pie that needs to be eaten when planning for something like this when I haven’t planned something like this in the past.  I have this serious expectation of myself to be perfectly skilled and able to easily do ANY new thing I try.  Apparently, I do not learn from life experience very well (as I rarely do anything well the first time around). 

So, when I hear things like “But I thought you already had a sleeping bag?”  when I start talking about a new sleeping bag I found that’s lighter, takes up less room – even though I DID all the research before I bought the other one… FAIL!

Or, when I hang my food up in the tree to keep it from bears, and in the middle of the night I hear “THUD!”  Don’t worry, it’s not a bear, I just can’t tie a knot to save my life.  FAIL!

Or, when my first batch of dehydrating fruit goes moldy.  Or, when my first batch of homemade pemmican is too salty for the deer to lick.  I admit - I am not skilled in the kitchen.  And now I think I’m going to cook cheesy beef stroganoff over 1 ounce of burning alcohol.  FAIL! FAIL!

Or, when I have to return so many things to REI because I just needed the chance to try them out in the privacy of my own room (or somewhere out of eyesight of people who actually know what they are doing). But this is why I love REI – they know people need to try (and fail) and return said product. 

So many “failures”… and I’m not even on the trail yet.  Just wait for the stories I'll have to share then!  Hopefully, my failures will be short of a bear attack, a giardiasis outbreak in my intestines, or snapping an appendage from tripping over a tree root.

Of course, one could argue that’s not really failing.  It’s “trying”.  That’s what OTHER people tell me, but this is a hard concept for a perfectionist to grasp.  I start to think, “Who do you think you are anyway?  You can’t do this!” 

I realize that a moldy batch of apples does not mean that I am completely incapable of putting one foot in front of the other for 2200 miles.  Yet, my perfectionism makes that correlation for me. 

But, what IS the truth?  The truth is, on the A.T. there is very little that I can control.  Even “expert hikers” sometimes get pooled water and soaked sleeping bags under their minimalist tarp in heavy rains.  Even the “pros” can’t always get their stoves to light on the first match in cold weather.   So, if THEY can have that happen to them, then surely so can I.  The Trail has a way of showing a person just how fail, um, I mean frail, they are.  There just isn’t room for perfectionism.  If I don’t embrace my mistakes, it could well be the perfectionism that takes me off the trail, rather than an actual failure.  I don’t want that to happen.  So, that’s a good reason for me to keep working on my recovery. 

Of course, don’t think I’ll give up perfectionism perfectly.  There will likely be a few relapses.  But that's not failure.  I think that may be part of the recovery process.