Thursday, January 10, 2013

FINALLY - my reasons

My reasons for hiking the Trail:

An Oasis in Ein Gedi, Israel

1.       I was praying in church several weeks ago for a “sign” that God was OK with me hiking the Trail.  A pastor was up front speaking.  I got this feeling that I needed to listen carefully to what was being said (I often call this “God biffing me upside the head to pay attention”).  Honestly, I don’t remember a lot of what he said, but I heard THIS phrase:  Portable Oasis in the Wilderness.  That’s when I decided that I needed to walk the Trail.  I needed to prepare as much spiritually as mentally and physically.  I needed God to be my Oasis so that I could truly offer Him as an Oasis to others.  And when you carry your home on your back, that home HAS to be portable.  So would an Oasis.  I think the Trail is a grand metaphor for so much that goes on in our lives spiritually.  I’m looking forward to seeing that metaphor unfold.  My goal is to be a portable oasis for others that are weary and thirsty on the Trail.  The water and rest I have to offer is God’s love and grace.

2.       I want to find boldness.  Life is too short to fear.  Yet, I do.  I fear rejection or disapproval.  I fear failing.  I fear pain.  In short, I fear myself and others.  How silly.  If God is for me, what does it matter who is against me (even if it’s myself)?

3.       I want to learn that the world doesn’t fall apart when I’m not there.  Yeah, that’s narcissistic of me to think.  I realize this.  But, there you have it.  I guess I’m narcissistic.  I cognitively understand this concept.  Yet, I think I need to experience it.  So, I will let it go.  Don’t blame me if the zombie apocalypse happens while I’m out there.

4.       I want to learn contentment.  I can entertain myself fairly well.  I don’t mind being alone.  I don’t mind being with others.  But, I think there is a deeper level of being “OK” when one has very little control of their circumstances and environment.  Contentment in a hail storm will be a fun lesson. 

5.       I want to learn to focus on what’s directly in front of me.  I too often get caught up in the future and in the planning.  Or I’m caught up in the past and what that means now.  If all of that is stripped away, and all I’m left with is the bubble of my head lamp, or the tree root to avoid in the next step, then I may get better at seeing the less tangible objects that have true importance.  I will have less distractions and learn to focus more on God and people.

6.       I want to practice walking TOWARD something rather than walk AWAY from something.

7.       I want to practice leaving the unnecessary things behind. 

8.       Lastly, I want to learn to be vulnerable.  I try to be an open book.  I’m much better than I used to be.  But, you can see that I needed a full post of explaining before I could post these reasons.  I can tell you my failures, but I can’t tell you my dreams.  Walking the Trail is a physical manifestation of a dream.  Every step feels foolish to me because I so want to do it.  And I can’t do it surreptitiously (I can’t just disappear for a day and make up an excuse of where I was).  And this hike is huge – what happens if I fail?  My dream fails… in front of all of you.  *gulp* 

If I could be bold, be content, be vulnerable, be present, be non-narcissistic, and do all those things because of the grace God has given me, well, then perhaps, I could be a suitable “portable oasis” for God to travel with me for the sake of other weary travelers.  That is my hope.

So, what do I learn from this?  It means that I’m pretty darn determined to stay on the Trail.  It means that boredom or fear or misery are not reasons to get off the Trail.  It means that minor illness or injury are not reasons to leave the Trail.   It means that I may stay on the Trail, even when a few of you may think I have a good reason to leave, and you disagree with my decision.  Of course, God may have other plans and I’ll have to determine that when the time comes.  Or, I may just outright fail in my reasons– don’t think that possibility isn’t always looming in front of me.  So, without having too much hubris, I’m going to speak much less from here on out about the possibility of failure.  You can be assured it’s there in my brain.  However, my focus is going to be on becoming this Portable Oasis in the Wilderness.


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