My Biggest Fear (or "We Band of Buggered")

My biggest fear is leaving the trail.  Whether leaving is at the terminus at Mt. Katahdin or somewhere further south, that is my biggest fear.  Because when I leave the Trail... then... well, what?  I'll have achieved (or worse, failed at) something huge.  And then?  What could possibly top that?  And who could possibly understand what I went through?  Yes, I'm sure you all want to hear my stories, but you didn't experience them with me, so... well, there is a bit of a disconnect.

I think back on some of the other "big" events in my life.  I think of one specifically.  It was a defining moment in my life, and it's taken well over a decade to move beyond.  It was a time that I got somewhat "stuck" in.  In some ways, I'm still moving beyond it.  Ghosts from that time still dance about the edges of my dreams and pull me back to that place and time.

I think on another "big" event in my life.  This particular one has taken me another set of years to move beyond.  It's possible I have not yet begun to shed the hidden layers from this particular event.

Going back even further in my personal history, I remember I wrote a musical in high school.  A few months later, I remember lamenting to my sister at Denny's (I was working the lunch shift I think) about the fear that this may be the crowning achievement in my life.  Now what?  What if a cheesy christian musical is the best thing I could ever do?

Now what?  What if hiking the A.T. is the most ultimate experience and journey of significance I could have?  Really?  Is it all downhill (hehe, no pun intended) from here?  At almost 40 years old?  Is it time to enter my years of yearning already?

Now what?  I summit Mt. Katahdin, kiss the signpost, get a splinter, and then...  hike back down.  Get a job.  Gain weight.  Shave my legs again.  Become... someone I never was before, but now, I'm REALLY not now.  How many years will it take me to move beyond all of what I became on the Trail?  And who else can really fathom that?  Except for the band of buggered few who also leave the Trail - dirty, tired comrades who also experienced a lightning storm on a ridge, or freezing rain and wind on top of Mt. Washington, or raccoons stealing your food 2 days before your next town stop.  Only those who live through it can really share the experience.  But I will be separated by miles and money and the circle of friends and family they will go back to.  I fear I may be alone.  At least, very much feel that way.

Of course, that is when I am the center of my own universe.  But when I lift my eyes to see a larger picture, a more Divine picture, I see that most probably feel similarly lonely most of the time.  We are so separated - from others, from ourselves, from our Maker.  Everyone is buggered, so to speak.  I may be alone in feeling an experience, but there IS a band of buggered few, those weary, broken people who have, fortunately or un-, experienced something with me.  I will be grateful for those, and do what I can to step into the isolation and be a beacon - both for them, and myself.  And maybe even for God on occasion   I can't help but think He is lonely too at times.

So what is after Mt. Katahdin?  I don't know.  That still scares me.  I'm a little afraid of who I may become on the Trail.  I'm afraid of who I will fit in with afterward, or how.  I'm afraid the struggle will have only begun.  What I will struggle to do is continue to remind myself that I am not isolated or alone.  That there is a companion closer than anyone could ever be.  And He is the ultimate experience.